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Time Warner Customer Service Rep, after helping me fix an error on my bill: Are there any other questions I can answer for you today?

Me: Yeah… how the hell is Nikki Minaj famous?

TW CS Rep, without hesitation: Your guess is as good as mine, sir.

So this just happened…

So this just happened:

Caller: “Jessica?”

Me, jokingly, without any attitude: “I sound like a Jessica?”

Caller, WITH a severe dick attitude: “No… obviously not… is she there?”

Me: “It depends, who is this?”

Caller, with an even bigger dick attitude: “It’s her boyfriend… who the hell is THIS!?!?”

Me, holding the phone about a foot away from my mouth and talking to nobody else in the room: “Oh shit baby… it’s your boyfriend.” *Click*

I love wrong numbers.

(I didn’t want to get Jessica killed, so after about 10 minutes I texted the number back and said “If you haven’t figured it out yet, you called the wrong number, dumb ass.”)

Telemarketer Call

Caller Just Now: Did you know you can save up to 40% on your electric bill?

Me: Did you know phone receivers carry more germs than the anus?

Caller: Hahaha… no sir, I didn’t know that.

Me: Well you do now, so the next time you’re thinking about calling my cell phone, it’d probably be safer if you just kissed my ass instead.

Damn Fly

Ok, I’m just saying… if I had wings and could go ANYWHERE I wanted to, and find endless amounts of food and sex? I wouldn’t be hanging around and bothering something 3,000 times my size that could end my life with one swat.

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