Here’s a romantic poem I wrote a while back called Super Long Eyebrow Strand:
Oh super long eyebrow strand…
Why are you so much longer than the others?
Seriously… what the fuck?
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And now a 3 second word from our 6 year old sponsor…
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Dear Mets Management,
Although we appreciate you offering to eat 2 million of Bartolo Colon’s remaining contract, you are the idiots who are paying him 9 mil this year and 11 next… so we suggest you get a much bigger appetite, because you’ll have to eat a lot more than 2 mil to get anyone to join you at the dinner table.
The Entire Rest of the League
PS: Maybe think about getting him to eat a little less too.
Dear Marshawn Lynch,
As much as we applaud your effort of following in the footsteps of Jamaal Charles and attempting to hold out for a new contract… Jamaal Charles is not only a much more explosive back than you, but he also doesn’t have one of the most explosive freaks of physical nature (Christine Michael) waiting in the wings as his back up. We strongly suggest you take your 66 yards per game down the stretch last year and tone it the fuck down, otherwise we’ll call your hysterical bluff about possibly retiring… because we’d get way better production out of Michael anyway.
Dear San Diego Padres,
In regards to stating that you’d have to be “BLOWN AWAY” by an offer for Ian Kennedy…
Management of every other MLB team.
Dear Johnny Manziel,
Sit down and shut the fuck up.
Dear Chase Whitley,
You’re so terrible we couldn’t even stand to give you a couple more starts until Pineda comes back, so we went out and picked up a guy to replace you who couldn’t even make the last place Red Sox or last place Rockies rosters.
Dear Lloyd McClendon,
Shut the fuck up about Taijuan Walker, you’re fucking up his trade value.
Seattle Mariners Management
Dear Jerry Jones,
The only reason we can surmise for Jason Garrett still having a job is that he must be your illegitimate son. There is a striking resemblance, after all.
I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 200, Alex.
Why yes, I’d love to travel 3 thousand miles to come to your local event tomorrow night… thank you so much for the invite.
I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 400, Alex.
Jesus Christ that’s an ugly baby.
I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 600, Alex.
Is it that time of the month, your boobs look bigger in this picture.
I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 800, Alex.
Send me another game request, the first 32 weren’t enough.
I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 1000, Alex.
I won an adult spelling bee!!
When you’re a comedian, people always try to be funny back to you. Which is cool and all, but can you imagine that in other professions?
What the hell are you doing?!?
Well, you said you were a proctologist, so I’m sticking my finger up your ass.
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FF - Originally stood for “Follow Friday,” which was designated as a day people could suggest a COUPLE of their favorite people to follow. It was very useful as it turned people on to excellent tweeters they didn’t know about, but quickly got shot to hell by people “FFing” 80 people at once, so every Friday turned out to be 8 million FFs that nobody paid any fucking attention to.
Thanks for the cup. FF Joe Schmoe (Joe Shmoe’s Favstar Link) - An entirely generic response to receiving a fake trophy which insincerely tells everyone to follow that person just because they gave you said fake trophy. Literal translation: Follow Friday Joe Schmoe (even though it’s Tuesday) just because they gave me a fake trophy, and if I post this generic thank you maybe they’ll give me another fake trophy again some time.
Star - Originally intended as a way to show people you read and genuinely enjoyed their tweet… but somehow turned into something 90% of Twitter just slaps on every tweet on their timeline, whether they even read or enjoyed it or not, for no other reason than to receive the reciprocal stars back in return, whether they read or enjoyed YOUR tweet or not. The ultimate offenders go to someone’s Favstar page and star the last 20 tweets they posted, without even reading them, for no other reason than to get that person to go to THEIR Favstar page and star THEIR last 20 tweets to give them some sort of false sense of validation or popularity.
RT - Originally intended for tweets that were so funny or clever you wanted to share the humor or brilliance with other people… but somehow turned into a way for 90% of Twitter to do just the opposite by calling attention to THEMSELVES, rather than the actual tweet or tweeter, for no other reason than to get that person to star and RT their own tweets. The worst offenders will RT the same person 20 times in a row, regardless of how stupid or meaningless their tweets are. It’s also used by desperate creepy men who somehow think RTing the same girl 20 times in a row is somehow going to make her sleep with him.
;) - 90% of Men: I want to fuck you. 90% of Women: Whatever dude, just keep starring my tweets. The other 10%: Used to highlight a clever or sarcastic quip, implying that it’s mutually understood.
XOXO - Literal translation: Kiss hug kiss hug. Used by Men: I want to fuck you… AND… I have pink flowers on my underwear. Used by Women: Whatever dude, just keep starring my tweets.
<3 - The symbol for a heart. Literal translation: Less than 3. Used by Men: I want to fuck you… AND… I masturbate to your pictures often… with the neck of a beer bottle in my ass. Used by Women: Whatever dude, just keep starring my tweets.
I love all my followers - Generic phrase used to kiss ass to attract attention. Literal translation: I have no idea what love is, so I’m just saying this so you’ll star and RT me.
I’m a model - Literal translation: I take pictures of myself with a toilet in the background.
I’m a writer - Literal translation: I have a blog.
I’m a comedian - Literal translation: I think my tweets are funny.
To all my comedian friends….
If you send me YouTube clips of any of your performances, I’ll post them on both the Comedians for Cancer Facebook page and the Comedians for Cancer Twitter page. (Roughly 17,000 followers combined and counting.) In addition, if you let me know your Twitter handle, I will also occasionally RT some of your tweets onto the Comedians for Cancer Twitter page… as well as post performance dates and times on both the C4C Facebook and Twitter page as well, so feel free to inbox me those as well. Especially if you have a Facebook post about them already, because hitting the share button for the C4C Facebook page only takes a second.
And for those of you who aren’t aware of how Comedians for Cancer works… it’s a network of currently over 1500 comedians across North America. When someone contacts me with a cancer benefit or charity event, I then relay that event’s time, date, and location to the network of comedians, and anybody who is in that area and is free do a set can offer up their services for that event. There’s more to it than that on my end, including hospital visits, gift gathering during holidays, fundraising, setting up private events, etc… but as the actual supporting comedians, you don’t have to worry about any of that, I take care of all that on my end. Just being in the network helps, and gives you the opportunity to perform at benefits and charities across the country if you so choose when they arise. As a result of being in the network, I refer you back to the first paragraph where I do my best to help promote your private careers by posting your videos, clips, promos, tweets, appearances, or show dates across the C4C social media network. So feel free to inbox me those things, as well as your Twitter handle… and I’ll be sure to help spread them out there for you. Comedians for Cancer has currently provided comedians for over 15 benefits and charity events, but I’d like to see that number jump considerably… so the more I put you guys/gals out there, the more aware people with upcoming events will be of our existence and services… therefore the more requests and opportunities to perform for a great cause we’ll get.
Dear Spider On The Ceiling,
What the fuck are you doing up there? There’s no food… no web… no mate… nothing. You just sit there and do absolutely nothing for hours. The only thing keeping you alive is my laziness… and the fact that you haven’t moved, because that would totally overrule the laziness thing. Maybe you’re aware of that. Jesus Christ… you’re a mind reading spider, aren’t you? You know if you move I’ll get up off my ass and kill you. Ok, that’s impressive… but this is getting weird now.
Adam “Ad-Rock” Horovitz of the Beastie Boys testified today that he’d never license songs to endorse commercial products. The opposing lawyer countered his testimony by letting the jury listen to “No Sleep ‘Til This Monster Energy Drink Wears Off.”
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