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So this just happened…

So this just happened:

Caller: “Jessica?”

Me, jokingly, without any attitude: “I sound like a Jessica?”

Caller, WITH a severe dick attitude: “No… obviously not… is she there?”

Me: “It depends, who is this?”

Caller, with an even bigger dick attitude: “It’s her boyfriend… who the hell is THIS!?!?”

Me, holding the phone about a foot away from my mouth and talking to nobody else in the room: “Oh shit baby… it’s your boyfriend.” *Click*

I love wrong numbers.

(I didn’t want to get Jessica killed, so after about 10 minutes I texted the number back and said “If you haven’t figured it out yet, you called the wrong number, dumb ass.”)

Telemarketer Call

Caller Just Now: Did you know you can save up to 40% on your electric bill?

Me: Did you know phone receivers carry more germs than the anus?

Caller: Hahaha… no sir, I didn’t know that.

Me: Well you do now, so the next time you’re thinking about calling my cell phone, it’d probably be safer if you just kissed my ass instead.

Damn Fly

Ok, I’m just saying… if I had wings and could go ANYWHERE I wanted to, and find endless amounts of food and sex? I wouldn’t be hanging around and bothering something 3,000 times my size that could end my life with one swat.

And now a 3 second word from our 6 year old sponsor…

Letters from the World of Sports

Dear Mets Management,

Although we appreciate you offering to eat 2 million of Bartolo Colon’s remaining contract, you are the idiots who are paying him 9 mil this year and 11 next… so we suggest you get a much bigger appetite, because you’ll have to eat a lot more than 2 mil to get anyone to join you at the dinner table.


The Entire Rest of the League

PS: Maybe think about getting him to eat a little less too.


Dear Marshawn Lynch,

As much as we applaud your effort of following in the footsteps of Jamaal Charles and attempting to hold out for a new contract… Jamaal Charles is not only a much more explosive back than you, but he also doesn’t have one of the
most explosive freaks of physical nature (Christine Michael) waiting in the wings as his back up. We strongly suggest you take your 66 yards per game down the stretch last year and tone it the fuck down, otherwise we’ll call your hysterical bluff about possibly retiring… because we’d get way better production out of Michael anyway.


The Seahawks


Dear San Diego Padres,

In regards to stating that you’d have to be “BLOWN AWAY” by an offer for Ian Kennedy…



Management of every other MLB team.


Dear Johnny Manziel,

Sit down and shut the fuck up.


Brian Hoyer

Dear Chase Whitley,

You’re so terrible we couldn’t even stand to give you a couple more starts until Pineda comes back, so we went out and picked up a guy to replace you who couldn’t even make the last place Red Sox or last place Rockies rosters.


The Yankees


Dear Lloyd McClendon,

Shut the fuck up about Taijuan Walker, you’re fucking up his trade value.


Seattle Mariners Management


Dear Jerry Jones,

The only reason we can surmise for Jason Garrett still having a job is that he must be your illegitimate son. There is a striking resemblance, after all.


Cowboys fans


Internet Jeopardy

I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 200, Alex.

Why yes, I’d love to travel 3 thousand miles to come to your local event tomorrow night… thank you so much for the invite.

I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 400, Alex.

Jesus Christ that’s an ugly baby.

I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 600, Alex.

Is it that time of the month, your boobs look bigger in this picture.

I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 800, Alex.

Send me another game request, the first 32 weren’t enough.

I’ll take things you’ll never hear on Facebook for 1000, Alex.

I won an adult spelling bee!!

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