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Ok Tumblr…

Get with the program and allow us to “heart” someone’s comment, so we can let people know when we like or appreciate their input. Especially for us assholes who are rarely ever even on Tumblr in the first place. We need that “heart a comment” option just so people know we’re not elitist douches.

Related: I suck at Tumblr.

#TeamHumorTurnedIntoARant

It’s funny to me when people put “Comedian” in front of their names on Twitter and Facebook. “Comedian Joe Schmoe.” Can you imagine that in other professions?

Drive Thru Cindy Smith
Waitress Betty Johnson
Truck Loading Tom Wilson
Cashier Joan Miller
Pot Dealer Bob Stevens
Unemployed Phil Finkelstein

And while I’m at it… if you created your own online blog where you spout your opinions without getting paid for them, that doesn’t make you a “writer.”

If you tell a few jokes on Twitter or Facebook, it doesn’t make you a “comedian.”

If you take selfies of yourself in a mirror with a fucking toilet in the background, it doesn’t make you a “model.”

If you’ve never had any training, or a paying job, and just imagine yourself portraying a character… it doesn’t make you an “actor” or an “actress.”

If you record yourself singing karaoke at home, it doesn’t make you a “musician.”

If instead of selling shit in your local paper, or on Craigslist, or Ebay, you make your own website to sell your shit… and don’t even have any fucking employees… it doesn’t make you the “CEO” of Bullshit Incorporated.

If you stick a microphone in front of yourself and only interview your friends who nobody else fucking knows… it doesn’t make you the “Host” of Yeah Right Podcast.

If you spam the shit out of your 568 Twitter followers with links and garbage about how you can help people become more popular, or gain more followers… it doesn’t make you a “Social Media Consultant.”

And if you have 8 things in your bio that say everything you are, or do, or have numerous #Team_____'s in our bio, then quit bullshitting yourself and everyone else and just put #TeamBullshitter or #TeamFugazi or #TeamFuckingIdentityCrisis.

And lastly, there is no team ANYTHING you fucking morons. Until Chris Brown, or Kanye West, or Kim Kardashian, or Justin Bieber, or anyone else helps you pay your rent, or puts food on your table, or helps you take care of your kids, or puts you on the fucking payroll, you’re just #TeamNobodyButYourself or #TeamFuckingClueless or #TeamStarstruckIdiot or #TeamNoClueWhatActuallyMattersInLife. Or for you douchebag parents who spend more time on social media than with your own kids, you’re just #TeamSelfishFucktard or #TeamNeverShouldveProcreated.

Test Run

So… Nickelodeon asked me if I’d be interested in doing some closed captioning for them. They gave me Rabbid Invasion as a test run… here’s an excerpt:

"Incoherent annoying-ass whining and moaning that makes even nails on a blackboard seem pleasant."

"More incoherent annoying-ass whining and moaning."

"Holy shit… even MORE incoherent annoying-ass whining and moaning. Kill me now."

"Jesus… this is the worst fucking cartoon in the history of cartoons. Who even let’s their kids watch this shit?"

I’m still waiting to hear back on whether I got the job or not.

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union